A New Journey

As I mentioned in my last post, which was a month ago, I was getting in touch with a center regarding my emotional eating. Even though I am stable at a "healthy" weight I am far from healthy.
I really thought this was something I could do on my own; but I just wasn't ready. I haven't weighed myself in a month because I am working on things that are so much more important to me than that number is right now. On a positive note my running group is back in action and we are training for a half marathon! I am very excited by the prospect of completing something that I have wanted to do for so long.
My emotional eating really started taking a toll on me lately so I decided it was time I talked to a professional. At this point in my journey I am  working on the issues I have with food and why that is where I go to comfort or medicate myself. Why I am so willing to fight for everyone else in my family's health, both mental and physical but not my own.  As I have said before we are just works in progress. Once we progress through this part of my journey then we will work on the nutrition piece.
I am grateful for all of the support that my cyber friends have given me and I am so grateful that God gives us what we need when we need it.

2011

Happy 2011! With the new year and a new decade comes resolution. A resolution is a resolve or determination. I am determined to be a better person. I am determined to truly work on me as a whole human being. I know I started a lot of this work in September but I am long from being done.
I have struggled a little by way of mindful eating, etc this past month. Although I do feel that I recognize so much more when I am not being kind to myself or healthy with my body so much more than I ever did. So I am determined to work on that.
I have been able to maintain my weight. I still have weight to lose. This week I am scheduling an appointment with a center that works on nutrition and emotional eating issues. I am looking forward to seeing where this takes me.
Happy and Healthy 2011 ahead for us all!

"Whatever"

I didn't post on Tuesday but I did weigh in and I lost .5 pound. So while I'm down from my gain I am still higher than I was 2 weeks ago. And with that I breath a heavy sigh and say whatever. Why? Because I have yet another cold. This is my third one in a little more than a month. So my journey to be fit has pointed out to me that I am not healthy. There is no way a healthy person gets this many colds. Now I know that I need to improve my nutrition and come January I will be seeing a nutritionist. I also know my life is not typical and I have a lot of stress and responsibility and sometimes that causes me to burn the candle at both ends. All of these are ways to compromise my immune system. My goal for the next 3 weeks of this are get through Christmas (which means I do need to actually shop & wrap still), exercise when I can and be mindful of what I eat.
Come January my one year plan which will still have 8 months left will be kicking into higher gear. I will take better care of me. I have no choice.

Respect

This week has been a long one. There has been some stress and I know next week is going to be even longer. During these stressful times I have not been kind to myself. I know the basics, respect food respect myself. Sometimes its easier to throw that away and give up. I'm still working on why its okay to be unkind to myself and disrespect myself. I am working on why that it is easier for me to give up.
I am sure I will see another gain tomorrow. I however am going to go back to basics and be kind to myself.

Holidays

I gained 1.5 this week. I knew that would be a possibility. I really felt I managed to maintain control on Thanksgiving. We had the opportunity to have two turkey dinners. I usually sit at the second one and perhaps not have a whole dinner but pick at my favorites. (Stuffing!) This year I didn't even sit at the table at the second house; don't worry no one thought I was rude there wasn't even a place set for me anyway. I had a small piece of a light dessert that I made and brought with me. Control. I was proud. Saturday night was another story. We had a mini high school reunion of sorts. My husband and I hosted a small party of high school friends and their spouses and kids. I realized that I can maintain control and not pick or nibble or drink when I am at a party. As an anxious host it all went out the window. I had wine, pizza, lasagna, and toll house pie. Each of that would have been fine but all in one night?! Not me, not anymore. I also didn't get in as much exercise due to the holiday and some other things that kept me busy last week.
These are all things to keep in mind the next month while "the Holidays" are even more busy. I know a 1.5 gain isn't tremendous and at this time of year it can be expected. To me though if I start making excuses now it because a gain each week and I am back to where I started. Unfortunately I know this from experience. I am not going to be making excuses. Instead I'm making plans to go running this morning.

Unexpected

I've lost another 3 this week. I really am surprised by that number. I am most pleased by how I have been able to stick to my "respect food" goal. We were celebrating my niece's birthday and I wasn't hungry so I didn't have cake. I did take a lick of icing. It amazes me how strong the sugar flavor was and how I didn't care for it. I cut my daily sugar out of my coffee a while back and my sweet snacks have been made with more natural ingredients. I am really trying to make this a change in mind along with body and I think its working.
A friend of mine, who is also on a similar journey, and I were talking about our fears getting through the holidays. I plan on taking it one day at a time. I know as far as Thanksgiving goes I will eat the foods I like, in moderation. I am also preparing a chocolate tart from a cooking light recipe. This way I know exactly what is in my dessert and how many calories it has. I know if I can get through the next month I've made the necessary changes to change my life.

Double

It is Tuesday, which means I get up and hop on the scale. I lost another pound which brings me to the -10 mark! That being said I know this last 10-12 will be so hard. I want it to be hard because I feel when its too easy it comes back too easily. I am truly looking for a lifestyle change. I am making great strides to do that. I am proud of what I have done so far and looking forward to the future.
I ran my 5 mile race this weekend. I kicked butt! There has been some dispute by some race goers about the actual distance not being 5 miles. It doesn't matter how far I ran I know my pace throughout the race and its my fastest ever. I also ran a similar course the full five miles a few days before the race and it was fast too. I'm hoping this is enough to keep me motivated to keep running. My hip muscle problem is acting up again. I don't really think it is from the running though. I have been running the same since my pt ended in August. The only thing that changed since that time is also something that I was doing the last time I had this issue is spinning. I love spinning, it is just as addictive as running. I am going to take some time off this week and work on my stretching and muscle strengthening and then ease back into running next week. I will hold off on the spin bike for now.

Zero

Back, somewhat, into the swing of things...Today is Tuesday, weigh day and I have  zero weight change. I am very okay with that. Last week I was laid up and couldn't really focus on calories in/out. So a zero change is excellent.
My big 5 mile run is this weekend and I am excited to be back into running. I know with the winter coming I won't be getting as many miles in; I loathe the treadmill. I will be continuing to find outlets for my exercise needs!

Pause

I posted this on my other blog last week and meant to post it here....so from last week:
I'm hitting pause on this week. There has not been nor will there be a weigh in this week. I have been in bed sick for several days. Obviously I haven't been exercising and I haven't counted calories. I will be seeing the doctor later to rule out pneumonia. I'm just bummed because I have my big 5 mile race next week this is the race I have been training with my running group.
Life happens

PS it was not pneumonia, just an upper respiratory infection. Feeling slightly better. I have no idea what my weigh in will look like tomorrow. But, it is what it is...life

2 months

Today is the 8 week mark from my first weigh in. I have lost another 1/2 pound this week which brings my 2 month total to 9 pounds! I am very excited by this. Ideally I would like to lose another 9 to 12. That means I am about halfway to my goal. I am keenly aware that Halloween is the start of the holiday season. For me its the munching season. The next 2 months will prove to be a test in my skills. I think I am ready.
Starting this project was not just about the number. It is about my health, my relationship with food, and my determination to take care of me. As wives and mothers we tend to forget about us. Even though I am pleased with my current weight loss and the prospect of being almost halfway to an ideal number I am also pleased with all of the other things I have accomplished.
I am so much more aware of what I am eating. I think the little changes have helped in bigger ways. I no longer put sugar in my coffee. I sprinkle some cinnamon on and I don't even miss the sugar. I have noticed when I do have something like a piece of candy corn the sugar taste seems so strong.
I am still considering working with a nutritionist. I have found that there is a lot of conflicting information on food and calories needed for weight loss and athletic training. While the race I'm currently training for is only 5 miles I do plan on training for a half marathon in the spring. I want to make sure I am eating the optimal foods for fuel.
2 months down 10 to go...where will I be then? I think in a much better place than I was 9/10.

Buttons

Time for some candor, one of the things that drove me to reexamine my weight and food issues were buttons. Nope, not pants buttons shirt buttons. Over the years I have gained a lot in my chest. Its not a place I enjoy having a lot of extra weight. It hurts your back, it makes it difficult to run and it becomes very difficult to wear button down shirts. I was considering a reduction and began doing research. One of the requirements for the surgery is you have to be within a healthy weight range. I decided that I would try to lose the weight and see if I could lose some from my chest. If not then I could look into a breast reduction. Well I wore a button down shirt day! I think I will stop thinking about surgery and get measured for some new garments, I have a feeling I may have changed in size. Perhaps a little TMI, but its where my head is at today.
One more food for thought....Wynonna Judd was on with Rosie the other day here i s a lesson she had to learn in her journey which is more difficult "the pain of changing or the pain of NOT changing". I really understood that. I'm willing to make the change today.

Happy Tuesday

Happy Tuesday! It is indeed. I was able to take off the weight I had put back on last week along with another 2.5 lbs. I am now at what is considered normal on a BMI calculator. I am still too close to the overweight cutoff for comfort but I am getting there.
I really focused on feeding for fuel and not addiction this week. I looked at my proteins, carbs, fiber and sugar intake closely.
I know I am no where near cured of my food issues, but I feel I made a lot of progress last week. Without too much detail my local CF community lost a young adult. His mom was one of the first "CF" moms I knew (back before there were blogs or facebook) who helped show me how to be an advocate for my child. As I was diving in to some lovely homemade apple pie I told myself that it didn't solve anything. I allowed myself to cry and cry I did. I felt the pain and emotion instead of numbing it.
One of the reasons I started running a few years ago was because I knew I was blessed with healthy lungs. My daughter was not. I often forget that there are other parts of me that need to be just as healthy.
So this week I learned that if I respect food it will respect me.

Tuesday Weigh In...slide

I gained 1.5 this week. I knew it was going to happen and I know why it happened. I don't say this as a way to make excuses. I am sharing this because I need to learn from my mistakes.
Firstly, I have said before and I will say it again I am an emotional eater whose main addiction is sugar. I have done a pretty good job so far keeping that in check. But, I lost my focus for a few reasons this week and I lied to myself saying its just one. Just one Mallomars does not exist in my world. I had a very stressful week and my focus was elsewhere. Long story short a few years back I had a quick run in with melanoma and fortunately it was dealt with early on. I just have one big, ugly scar to show for it. Well last week I had a suspicious mole removed. That's all it took for me; I was off balance. I have to get stronger at focus. I know that. Fortunately the mole turned out to be fine but, my Mallomars addiction not so fine.
The other issue was socializing. A few weeks back I did really well while out and about. Unfortunately this weekend two different scenarios occurred. The first was no healthy choices whatsoever at the one function I was at. I was at a loss. All the dishes were appetizer types: fried, cheese or cream laden foods. I tried to nibble in moderation. I'm not really sure what happened. The second event was a last minute change in plans to get together with friends. Again I was not planning for it calorie wise and hoped I could have some salad. I was told there would be salad, there was no salad. I know I have to get better on my nibbling skills.
I also have to get better at being honest with myself. Mallomars are not hugs, or cuddly pillows they are processed foods with no redeeming qualities. They are a gateway drug for me. It became alright to have my friends homemade chocolate chip cookies because "what is just one?" Well for me there is no such thing as just one.
I have regained my spirit and my commitment to me and I will be pushing myself hard this week to make up for it. I know I can!

Comfortable pants

It's Tuesday again and I've lost another pound! I was even more pleased this morning to be able to fit into pants that were a tad too snug last year. And by too snug I mean the buttons were about to pop, the zipper wouldn't go all the way up and I would be uncomfortable all day. I am not dreading  dressing for fall and winter so much now. I hated the way my clothes would make me feel. I was too depressed to buy new things as it would be an admission that I had failed. I will continue to celebrate these mini steps by buttoning my pants comfortably.

After One Month

I officially started this one year plan on September 1. As we end September, 1 month, I figured I would look at how my goals are coming along. I set 7 goals. Let's look at what I am doing well.

• Goal #1 is to get back on a running program. I did. I am running 3 days a week. One of those is with a group of other moms. That was a great decision. Its fun and holds me accountable.
• #3 Incorporate yoga or pilates. This is in the well column because I have done some at home work on this. I went to my first pilates class (mat class) this week. I loved it. I was apprehensive about going, my core strength is pathetic and my large upper body seems to get in the way. The teacher was impressed that I was a first time student and complemented my form. That's all it took~I'll be back. I was self conscious for no reason. 
• #4 Stop emotional eating and respect food. I'm not sure if I will ever be cured of this. Its a one day at a time thing. I have vastly improved. I have talked my self out of the pantry quite a few times lately.  I am starting to look at food as a source of energy. I am reading nutrition labels.
• #6 Blog so I am accountable for my actions. I think that is working very well. Thanks Leigh for always having positive feedback.
• #7 Live in the moment. I think this is like goal # 4 a daily struggle. I am really focused on the now and the anxiety attacks have definitely lessened.

Where I need improvement and I have 11 months to get there:

• Goal #2 do 2 days a week of strength and core training. While Pilates can be considered strength and core I am not doing enough consistently.
• Goal #5 journal about my issues and stress rather than eat. I am becoming more conscious and mindful of my triggers but I still have a lot of it bottled up. Time to pick up the pen.

Its only been one month and I think I am off to a good start. I believe that the first half of this year is creating my new self. I will then spend the second half of the year maintaining that.

Tuesday weigh day

Ok so today is weigh in day. I was a little apprehensive about weighing today. As I mentioned in a post last week I was going to try just entering my food calories (in) as opposed to also including exercise calories (out) to my nutrition tracker. I did that. The reason I was apprehensive was that this weekend was a very busy one. We attended a party Friday night, a college football game Saturday and a party on Sunday. I really tried to pay attention to what I ate instead of mindless nibbling. I tried to pay attention to calories. If my tracker doesn't have a specific food item there are plenty of places on the internet that do. Also, I found a recipe converter as well. Again, I'm not sure how accurate these are but at least they are rough estimates.
I am proud to say I lost 3 pounds this week. (5 total)! I do believe in full disclosure, and I don't want to discount any of the work I've done, I did have a fever last night. I'm not sure if I had sweat out some stuff that may show back up on  the scale next week. I certainly hope not. I do know I worked hard this week. Both in the gym and the kitchen. Another important note, I sampled foods at the parties and even had one glass of wine. I did set calories aside for that. Therefore I tasted things and never felt deprived.

I'll take it

So it is weigh in day. And I'm down another .5 so that is 2 total. I'm good with that. Down is better than up! I had somethings that just kind of came my way yesterday. These were reminders that change needs to be done in small ways. Setting and reaching small goals is so much more attainable than grand ones. One of my goals was to get back to a running program. I'm  doing it and I'm so proud. I have met a bunch of fun ladies. We are all at different levels in our running. We all are bringing different things to this group. It has been great.
The other thing I decided yesterday was that when tracking my calories I'm not going to plug in my workout numbers. I switched to a better app on my iPhone to track my calories. I just feel that the exercise calories out was just providing too much of a cushion. So, I will see this week if keeping my exercise in a separate place makes a difference.
Change for the better is good, no matter how big or small and I'll take it!

What Doesn't Kill You

Yeah you know the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". For me whatever doesn't kill me makes me eat more. Stress is an ugly thing. I know what my anxiety triggers are and I know what my go to items are in stressful times. My life is full of things I can't control. It is amazing to me that I choose to add to that out of control feeling. This weekend was so stressful. I know that with the lack of sleep and the emotional eating, which I did a bit more mindfully than in the past, my body is just out of whack. I am contemplating if it would be worth it for me to get a nutritionist. The thing holding me back is I know what I am supposed to eat and the amount of calories I am to consume if I wish to lose weight. However, if I spend money on it and I have to answer to someone else I am more motivated. That is why the running group is working for me.
I am paying to run with this group of women so we can train for a race together. I know how to train for a race. I have done it plenty of times before. I know that this time I was in a different place mentally and needed the extra level of accountability. I am wondering if hiring a nutritionist would do the same.I am not saying throwing money at a problem will fix it. I know that is not true. I joined the gym and have gone faithfully for a year, haven't lost a pound or an inch. Its what I invest in other ways that will give me the payoff I am looking for.
I fight every day to take care of my daughter's health. I fight every day to let my son know he is valued and loved. Sometimes I am too tired to fight for me. But if I don't who will? It has to be me. I have to choose me. I also have to remind myself this is a year's plan.  I have one year to accomplish this.

Grateful

As I went out for my homework run this morning I remembered how grateful I am for the things I am blessed with. I may not like the choices I made or the circumstances that caused me to feel so out of shape and out of control. But, I have so much more and I am so much more than that.

I am blessed to live in NJ where you can hop in your car and be anywhere in an hour or less. Today my soul was craving the ocean. So I took my morning run on the road to the Atlantic Ocean. I am so grateful to live 30 minutes from  my favorite spot. While running on this particular boardwalk I felt such an energy from the other people. I am grateful that I am back to running. I am grateful to be where I am in my journey.

Keep Moving

Weigh in day: -1lb. That is right I lost a pound! I'll leave it at that.
Total weight loss so far: 1.5 lbs.
I'm happy for the minus sign. I'm not going to fixate on the slow process. I'm going to just KEEP MOVING!!!